It’s National Tell a Joke Day today and here in Las Vegas we can not only dish it out (we’ve got multiple comedy clubs and shows), we can take it.
To keep you laughing and make you seem like a comedic genius (because we know you’re going to repeat these jokes), we’ve gathered a list of jokes and comedy routines that take aim at our hometown.
Got a Vegas joke? Leave it in the comments and help us celebrate National Tell a Joke Day.
Comedians about Vegas
“I love Las Vegas. It’s chock full of charlatans, blowhards and bad hair. And that’s just the Trump Hotel. ”
– Gazillionaire from Absinthe, told to the USA Today
“I once gambled away my car in Las Vegas. The people at Hertz were absolutely furious.”
– Marty Allen, told to the Las Vegas Review-Journal
“Vegas is like marriage. It’s really exciting in the beginning but then after a while you’re like, ‘What happened to all my money?'”
– Whitney Cummings, told to the USA Today
“I wanted to get married at the drive-through wedding chapel. That way if I wanted a divorce, I could just back up.”
-Wendy Liebman, told to the Las Vegas Review-Journal
“I love Vegas because of the hotels. You can see the world without ever leaving the desert and it’s better than the actual place. You can see the pyramids of Egypt, with air-conditioning, New York without getting stabbed, and Paris and there’s no French people.”
– Alex Reymundo, told to the Las Vegas Review-Journal
“You gotta love Vegas… Drinking, smoking, gambling and prostitution… Bring the kids!”
– Carrot Top, told to the USA Today
“These sidewalks are so crowded I tripped in front of the Treasure Island the other day, I didn’t fall until I got to the Riviera.”
– Jerry Seinfeld on his show “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”
“I’m on the Las Vegas health care program. If I get sick, I get to see a magician.”
– Rita Rudner, told to the USA Today
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And if you don’t believe me, you can ask O.J. Simpson.”
– George Wallace, told to the Las Vegas Review-Journal
“They call it ‘craps’ because that is what you yell each time you lose.”
– Adam London, told to the USA Today
A guy walks into a bar and notices three men and a dog playing poker. The dog is playing beautifully. “That’s a smart dog,” the man says. “Not really,” says one of the players. “Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail.”
I bought a second hand deck of cards from a casino in Las Vegas, but after 4 weeks they hadn’t arrived. When I asked for an update, they said they were still dealing with my order.
– Paula Sutton, on Reddit
How do you win a small fortune in Las Vegas? By spending a large fortune.
– Monkey Labs, on Reddit
A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out. She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket. She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar. A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said “Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?” She said, “Duh! I’m winning here!”
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”
– CANT ARGUE DAT LOGIC, on Reddit
Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?” A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?” He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?” The croupier replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!
– Paula Sutton, on Reddit
And if you’re looking for an easy way to share jokes on social media, Joke Blogger has these Vegas jokes and more.
David Letterman Top 10 Things Overheard in a casino
10. “Free drinks? 25 cent shrimp cocktails? They really like me here.”
9. “Where’s an IRS agent? I must report my huge cash winnings immediately.”
8. “Mr. Wendell, shaking the machine won’t help.”
7. “That’s OK. 22 is good enough at our casino.”
6. You incompetent fool! I said beat him, not kill him.”
5. “I’m sorry, Mr. Wendell this fake Rolex will not cover your losses.”
4. “Do you really think I could be a showgirl, Senator Hart.”
3. “Please Mr. Wendell, you must have had pants when you entered the casino.”
2. “You’re sweet to say so, but it’s just a roll of quarters.”
1. “Mother Teresa, please pick up the white courtesy phone.”