What your swimwear says about you

You’re probably not going to see teeny weeny bikinis and sky-high stilettos at your backyard pool parties, but this is Vegas baby. And you can bet your intensely StairMastered rear end that we’re pushing the standards of moral corruption every chance we get. Public decency isn’t something we pay much attention to, so feel free to dig out those questionable bathing suit trends you’ve been hiding from your family for months. Just be warned, here are the signals your swimsuit is really sending across the pool club:

The TaTa Top, no explanation required. Photo courtesy of TaTa Top.

The TaTa Top (no seriously, that’s what it’s really called)

What you think it says about you:
You’re progressive and don’t mind challenging societal constraints. You may be a true feminist at heart, but you’ve got one helluva sense of humor and use #freethenipple in as many social media posts as possible.

What everyone else thinks:
Holy s*** are those her boobs? No wait, that’s just a super rad bikini top. She must be a feminist – I bet she doesn’t shave her pits. At least she’s got a great sense of humor.

The Betty Rubble and Jock-Strap Halter. Photos courtesy of Everything But Water and Ebay.

The Betty Rubble

What you think it says about you:
You’re an edgy fashionista who will be immortalized for your avant-garde style. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. You should probably go on “Project Runway” and slaughter the competition.

What everyone else thinks:
You are one of those people who unnecessarily pays $300 for an article of clothing you could have easily made with elementary school scissors.

Jock-Strap Halter

What you think it says about you:
You have perfect hips and it would be an injustice not to share them with the world. You’re also not going to be brought down by pesky bathing suit wedgies.

What everyone else thinks:
Your stint as Mocha Lightning on “American Gladiators” did not go as planned and you have been reduced to acting in B-movies and working the occasional “private party.”

Taste the Rainbow and Barely There. Photos courtesy of Etsy and Molly Brown's.

Taste the Rainbow

What you think it says about you:
You’re a total tree-hugging ray of sugary sunshine who also happens to be a sex kitten (thank goodness your lady bumps grew into lumps so you can finally let it all hang out).

What everyone else thinks:
You look like Spider-Man and Rainbow Brite had a love child. You and your girlfriend probably have six vegan cats.

Barely There

What you think it says about you:
You’ve spent months eating lettuce and ice cubes so your level of hotness would set off the smoke detectors. You paid so much for that bikini wax, a crime scene investigator couldn’t find a hair fiber within a mile radius.

What everyone else thinks:
Whoa, is that dental floss? What a scandalous little vixen. She looks hungry. Wait, is that her uterus hanging out?

Trust Fund Baby. Photo courtesy of Strong Boalt.

Trust Fund Baby

What you think it says about you:
You’re sophisticated with a diversified portfolio and endless earning potential. The only thing you love more than a good game of croquet is water polo. You are God’s gift to pearl-wearing women everywhere.

What everyone else thinks:
Your name is probably Chaz, Rex or Chet and you pee sitting down. You’re still suckling at mommy’s teat and are so douchey you may ruin my PH balance.

Satan's Mistress and Meat Lover. Photos courtesy of Etsy.

Satan’s Mistress

What you think it says about you:
You’re slightly heinous, definitely dangerous and if anyone pisses you off, you might just boil their cat.

What everyone else thinks:
She’s slightly heinous, definitely dangerous and if I piss her off she might just boil my cat.

Meat Lover

What you think it says about you:
You’re playful and quirky, just look at your sense of humor. If he brings the sausage, you’ll provide the sauce. This is going to be a great conversation starter so let the flirting begin.

What everyone else thinks:
The only thing her boyfriend likes to eat is pizza.

The hooker version of Robin Hood. Photo courtesy of the dark corners of the interweb

The Hooded Asymmetrical Mankini

If you’re wearing this, you don’t care what the hell anyone else thinks. You sir, are a swimsuit connoisseur with balls so big we can’t believe they fit in that pouch. Congratulations, you are a complete badass in our book.

Comments

Born a Buckeye - raised a Hoosier. I grew up in a one-horse town that straddles the Indiana/Ohio state line and until 2006, was in two different time zones. There were three stoplights and a whopping 48 students in my graduating class. Fast forward a few years later, I was bitten by the travel bug and decided to head west. It seems like no matter how long I live here, there’s always something that still makes my jaw drop. That’s what I love about Vegas; you never know what you’re going to see next and that’s what makes living here so much fun. Basically, if you’re bored in this town, there’s something wrong with you…not the city. I’m an avid traveler with an incurable case of wanderlust so stay tuned for all the tours, attractions and shopping adventures that Sin City has to offer.