The number of sweaty tourists who go through Vegas pools pretty much necessitates frequent cleaning. And, thankfully, the pools are great at keeping their waters clean. From expert pool cleaning personnel to the latest skimming technology, the waters are sure to contain nothing more than medically acceptable levels of chlorine. But if you look a little closer, and delve into the strange world of pool filters (also known as the strange world of our fictionally focused brain holes) you’ll find some of the wackiest items you could imagine. Here are the things you’d least like to find in a pool club pool filter.
If you don’t know what a merkin is then you’ve probably never been to a renaissance faire after-party. They get crazy—verily. You also don’t know how itchy they can be if you cheap out and get the synthetic ones. When it comes to merkins, quality is queen. And if you plan on going in the pool, be sure to get the waterproofing. It’s a little extra, but totally worth it. The last thing you want is for your merkin to get swept up in the currents created by a hundred dancing drunk people splashing around and playing Marco Yolo (it’s a horribly stupid game) and end up stuck in the pool filter. That’s a sad end for the once majestic merkin.
They got the urban legend wrong. It wasn’t a kid who got tired of his baby alligator and flushed it down the toilet, it was a drunk socialite who thought her new alligator purse was a little too squirmy so she freaked out and threw it in the pool. It lived a long life in that pool filter. It met a very nice inflatable pool toy, settled down and raised three very puffy children. It’s not the saddest story ever, but it does make you think. If that socialite had left that alligator at the purse kiosk where it belonged, it would never have had to suffer the indignity of accidentally popping its wife with its teeth.
Tofurky on wheat
Some people don’t know that pool clubs have food. It’s important to keep up your strength when you’re being pounded by the sun and pounding back drinks. But no matter how crafty you think you are about sneaking in your vegetarian snack, you’ll get found out. Best case scenario, you get asked to leave. Worst case, the pool filter catches your lunch and you lose it to an employee digging through the dredge for a delicacy. We’ve seen it so many times. So be sure to eat your Tofurky sandwiches before you get to the pool club. Plus, you never know which pool cleaners might have a soy allergy. And you don’t want a minor stomach ache on your conscience. How would you live with yourself?
You don’t have to be a 14-year-old lying about her age to need a little enhancement poolside. If you don’t believe us, just scroll down to that picture of Miranda at the bottom. She’s still waiting for that growth spurt she was promised in high school. Just be sure you’ve got the hang of the double-sided tape. When those things float away they really float away. Then they get sucked up by the pool filter and give it a minor boost of confidence, until it goes home and takes its bra off and remembers that nature blessed it with far more clever humor and sarcastic wit than cleavage or jigglability. Reality can be cruel to the pool filters, but it’s better than getting their hopes up.
Our HR department said we couldn’t use this image. Our PR department said to just pixelate it. And our JR department just giggled. They’re not the most mature group in the company. But when we thought about what you’d least like to find in a pool filter, these were the first things that came to mind. OK, they were sort of already on our mind. We work odd hours. We don’t always see our significant others. We have needs. So yeah, sometimes we steal dirty toys from pool filters and take a long lunch. It’s a victimless crime. How else are we supposed to feel alive?
The dignity of a once aspiring creative writer
Like a message in a bottle, washed upon the shore of a sullen and lovelorn land, writ in a hand that presses with longing and scribes with agonizing need a foolish and failing fart joke, pool filters catch the refuse we spill. Yeah. That was a good line until the fart joke part, wasn’t it? It’s almost like pool filters are some sort of metaphor for all we’ve either lost or cast aside into the waves of an ocean overwhelmed by passivity. But, naaaah. We’re probably reading too much into that. We’ll just keep digging through these pool filters to see what else we can find. Oh look, another merkin. Seriously, who keeps losing their merkins?