We know there’s not a lot of room to stow stuff when you’re only wearing a bikini or an asymmetrical man-thong. But we’re also painfully aware of how thoroughly your bag could be searched when you try to enter a pool club. We swear that stuff wasn’t ours, we were just holding it for a friend—except for the crack. The crack was ours.
So when you’re queuing up for the pool club, please remember these things that you’re not allowed to bring in. And believe us, arguing with the person at the door will not help your case. It’ll just end in you having to hand over your crack and being asked very politely but forcefully to let go of that man’s leg. We may have overreacted when they took away our crack.
Pills or pill-like things
This is the United States in 2015. Everyone is on something. Speaking of that, we need a quick break to take our meds. … … … OK. We’re back. We know your pills are important/fun/side-effecty. But no matter how much you need your uppers to keep you alert and your downers to keep you from freaking out from the uppers, you are not allowed to take your pills into the pool club. That goes for orange prescription bottles, or red if you got them from Target, and OTC goods you bought at one of the approximately 9,000 pharmacies on the Las Vegas Strip. If you really make a big deal about it they might hold onto your prescription and let you pick it up on the way out. But it’s far better to just leave your pills in your room. You will never win an argument with a bouncer.
Needles or pipes
Remember when you learned the word “paraphernalia” in school? It was probably that day the cop came to class to talk about marijuana, which was coincidentally also the day you first wanted to try marijuana. Even though you probably never used the word “paraphernalia” again since then, it’s one of the things you need to watch out for if you’re going to a pool club. This is also the start of our “You should seriously know this stuff already” section of this blog. But alas, we see the same things year after year and it drives us so crazy that we’re forced to say, “But alas.” You can’t bring needles, even if they’re for legitimate medical uses. And you can’t bring your hash pipe no matter how many weed cards you have for your “anxiety.” This is partly because, again, they don’t want drugs in the pool, and partly because they don’t trust you not to stab people. And speaking of stabbing…
This is the United States in 2015. Everyone has at least 12 guns. If you’re visiting us from another country you should know that when you turn 16 here they just give you a box full of random guns. We call it a gunceañara. None of that is true, except for the country and the year. But the point we’re winding our way toward is that you can’t bring guns, or knives, or nunchaku, katanas or any other Ninja Turtle inspired arms into the pool club. This is less about you dropping something in the pool and more about you dropping a body over a dispute over the last patch of shade. And it goes for pocket knives and self-defense products too. Keep the pool safe for everyone and keep your sharp and blunt objects in the bedroom where they belong.
This one is a bit grayer than the others on the list. First off, everyone’s phone has at least one camera on it. If you’re one of those super fancy people with three cameras on your phone, please stop sending us boudoir photos. Frankly we’re disturbed and think you need to see a dermatologist immediately. For everyone else, please remember to be decent human beings with your phones when you’re at a pool club—especially a topless club. As for cameras that are just cameras, there’s a good chance your wide-angle lens pro setup won’t make it past the door. They’ll keep it safe for you if you like, but you won’t be able to fill your gross subreddit with hi-res pics.
Beer and other beverages
It’s probably more so they can charge you some truly unfathomable prices for drinks at the pool club bars, but it makes sense for other reasons. Can you imagine what would happen if they let us all bring whatever drinks we wanted into a pool club? It would be the most delicious anarchy ever. Bottles would fly everywhere. The pool would end up being 90 percent tequila. And that one genius who was smart enough to bring a bottle opener would be rolling in green before the second round. For now we can only dream and pregame. That’s also not an endorsement of chugging your drinks before you walk into a pool club. The last thing you need when you’re drenched in sun and sweat is a sour stomach. Be responsible and buy what you want from the pool bar.
Oooza good pool kid? You are. Yes you are. You’re a good pool kid if you don’t bring your pets. We’re actually pretty shocked how few pets we see on the Strip. We’re even more shocked when we see someone force a dog onto an escalator. They don’t understand that stuff. Don’t make them do it. Anyway, your Chihuahua you bought to be a fashion accessory and now only feed table scraps from the $500 meals you don’t finish can’t come into the pool club. Exceptions may, potentially, be made for registered service animals. But please remember what a pool is like. It’s crowded. It’s loud. It’s full of drunk people. And the pool itself is at best a place to temporarily cool off and temporarily compensate for tight trunks. It’s really not a place even the most well-trained pet would feel comfortable. So do everyone a favor—especially the fur babies who we can all agree are better and more important than humans—and keep the pets away.
Peek-a-boo. We see you. Yeah, we see you trying to sneak your baby into the pool club. Did you really think we’d be fooled by you putting a fake beard on the kid and saying he was just really drunk? We don’t care how drunk your baby is he’s not coming into the pool club. It’s not just about the already well-established age restrictions, or even the fact that it would be all kinds of illegal. We know your baby. We’ve seen him hanging around here before and that dude cannot hold his booze. The last time he was here he made an uh-oh in the pool, he tried to pay for his “bah-bah” with Cheerios and he vehemently defended Bill Cosby. He may only be 14 months but, as far as we’re concerned, he’s 86ed.