What does Murica look like to you? To us, it’s sippin’ a cold one in the back of a monster truck while our 1992 Billy Rae Cyrus mullet and stars n’ bars-printed swim trunks flap oh-so eloquently in the wind. And since we don’t know how to get our paws on a 1500 horsepower, communist crushing, death spewing monster truck (seriously, we’ve looked all over Craigslist), we’re going to have to celebrate Lady Liberty a little differently. Since we’ve thrown a rager or two in our day, we’re going to give you the rundown on how to spend the 4th of July in Las Vegas.
Lets call a spade a spade: Vegas is a different animal, especially when it comes to celebrating Ol’ Glory. As such, we can’t stress how important it is to start FreedomFest 2K17 with a hearty ass meal. If you want America to profusely dribble out of your pores, look no further than PBR Rock Bar & Grill. They’re the ultimate party spot. And since this is America, who are we to tell you to not partake in a little beer pong or battleshots? Just don’t forget the mission: grub. So get down on some smoked brisket, bbq pork ribs, sultry chicken and waffles or, if you’re really feelin’ nasty, try the famed Dorito mac & cheese.
With a belly full of some form of meat n’ taters, it’s time to celebrate your right to arm bears –err, bear arms. So strap on a Rambo approved headband, bare those arms and head down to Machine Gun Vegas. This state-of-the-art indoor gun range is your real life “Call of Duty.” We’re talking pistols, fully automatic machine guns, historical guns and way more. So is that a fully automatic Browning M1919 or are you just happy to see us? Either way, with piece in hand, it’s time to spray all over your target of choice: Osama Bin Laden, zombies, hostage situations and standard qualification targets are just a few of the most popular options. And you get to keep your target too. You know, as proof that you were able to unload all over Osama Bin Laden’s face. #Murica.
With adrenaline levels only exceeded by your burning love for America, it’s time to continue the stoke with a visit to the Richard Petty Driving Experience. Remember that mullet we mentioned earlier? It’s going to look pretty sweet while you’re pushin’ 600 ponies worth of horsepower and reaching speeds upwards of 150 mph around the hairpin turns of the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. And there’s no need to pray to Oprah Winfrey or Tom Cruise because trained professionals and instructors are on hand to help you be more like Richard Petty, and less like Ricky Bobby.
Since we’re technically not allowed to shotgun brewskis on the middle infield of Las Vegas Motor Speedway, it’s time to take the party to ameriCAN Beer & Cocktails at The LINQ Promenade. ameriCAN does serve cocktails, but you’re here for the suds, and they have nearly 70 types of canned cervezas, if you can believe it. Since “America” is in the bar’s name, it’s only right that you can begin your pilgrimage of liquid courage at a place that has offerings from each of the 50 states. You’d basically be like Lewis and Clark, except drunker and with far fewer beaver pelts (unless you’re into that sort of thing). And for reasons that don’t need further explanation, we’re going to recommend that you start with a Nevada selection. **Winky face emoji**
Now that you’re well lubricated and have stumbled through as much of America’s nectar as the barkeep would allow, it’s time to spice things up a bit and embrace your inner sexpot. We’re talkin’ X Burlesque (or X Country, if you’re a sucker for the cathartic melodies of a Mr. Hank Williams Jr.). This adults-only, topless review is equal parts seductive fantasy and dance-off, with enough stand-up comedy sprinkled in to keep the mood lighthearted. After a day full of testosterone fueled bad-assery, this is probably a good time to mention that while having a good time is encouraged, we suggest that you keep your mitts off the ladies.
By this point in the evening, on a patriotic scale of one to ten, you should be feeling somewhere between a shirtless Chuck Norris, flying on the back of a giant Bald Eagle across the Rockies, and Rocky Balboa knocking out Ivan Drago with a Philly cheesesteak in one hand and the Declaration of Independence in the other. With freedom bursting out of your seams, it’s time to celebrate America’s birthday under The Strip’s barrage of fireworks. But you’re not one to merely sit on the sidelines. No, you’re going to join in on the action. Head to the top of Drai’s Beachclub, where you can purchase their Fire in the Sky Fireworks Package. There’s no better way to celebrate your freedom than by unapologetically launching your American pride all over Las Vegas while belting an acapella version of “The Star-Spangled Banner.” That’s how you celebrate the 4th of July in Las Vegas. Happy birthday, America.