Love: the four-letter word you should always bleep out. When it comes to that sappy, romantic foolery, The J. Geils Band had the right idea: “Love Stinks.” And we get it, we know exactly what you’re thinking –bitter much? Damn straight we’re bitter! Four divorces in three years will do that to you. But luckily, we’ve had Vegas to help us stay strong. This city has kept us more like Beyoncé and less like Lindsay Lohan (depending on the night, we’re guilty of being a little bit of both). And with there being so many things to do in Vegas and Las Vegas restaurants basically being a catwalk, it’s hard to even think about being down in the dumps. So toss that bum and their negativity to the curb! Here’s how to make the most of your breakup in Las Vegas.
Let’s be honest. You wanna see some skin.
We all learned about this in middle school, so we’re not saying anything new here, but the three things essential to human life are food, shelter and a little bow-chicka-bow-wow. So it makes sense that after a breakup, the usual routine is to stay inside, stuff your face and try to find someone to bring back home. You know, once you’ve inevitably grown tired of the first two things. And what a place to be single. Gah, Las Vegas strip clubs like Sapphire, Men of Sapphire and Crazy Horse III make finding love in a strip club seem not so farfetched. T-Pain was a pioneer. But, like we said, if you’re a little more Beyoncé and looking for a subtler eroticism, the hunks of Magic Mike Live inside Hard Rock Hotel know how to get a gal off her seat. They have biceps, washboard abs, doey eyes AND they know how to make you feel like a woman. Wow, we think we just found the perfect Tinder date. Don’t be alarmed fellas, because the women of Fantasy at the Luxor are the ladies in the street and the freaks on the stage that Ludacris was talking about in his song, “Yeah!” They reenact all the fantasies we’ve had since something got slipped into our cereals when we were going through puberty. We’re talking bedtime snuggles, slippery showers, cowgirls, schoolgirls and more. Can you tell we’re into it?
Party, party, party, party!
There’s no better way to sweat out the nasty juju’s of a broken relationship than to hit the club and shake your money maker. And these hips aren’t lyin’ when we say that nightclubs in Vegas are the best. Whether you’re into mega clubs like Omnia inside Caesars Palace and Hakkasan at MGM Grand or prefer getting down with at a place with a Strip view like Chateau at Paris or Voodoo Nightclub at Rio, you can expect world class DJs, boomin’ sound systems and bottle presentations that’d make King Midas jelly. This is Vegas, you’re going to see celebrities out the ying-yang, ok? A good rule of thumb is to act like you’ve been there before even if your insides are telling you to act like a teenage girl at a boy band concert.
Blow your own freakin’ mind
If you haven’t noticed, we firmly believe that the best way to recover from a breakup is by having a great time. How could we not be? Las Vegas attractions and Las Vegas tours are Uh-Maze-ing. Oh, and the best shows in Las Vegas aren’t too shabby, either. For a quaint evening out, it’s hard to beat one of the Cirque Du Soleil shows in Vegas. No two are alike, and like a great holiday movie, they always leave you feeling awed, inspired and wondering how the big guy fit through the tiny hole. Prefer to get your kicks like a teenager who just got their driver’s license? Then Exotics Racing is for you. This is your chance to ditch that battery-powered minivan and go full-throttle behind the wheel of a Porsche 991 CT3, Audi R8, Ferrari 458 Italia or Lamborghini Huracan. Even better, there’s a professional instructor to tell you how to drive the thing! But personally, we’re suckers for a view, that’s why we’re so high on the Vegas Nights tour. You don’t have to be Pablo Picasso (or Drake for that matter) to know Vegas at night is visually pleasing. And seeing it from up above in a helicopter? It takes every ounce of our being to not squeal.
Love still stinks, but we’re beginning to have a change of heart. Maybe we’re not the loveless, soul-sucking heathens our exes claim. Maybe we’re just hopeless romantics who can’t find a love like Vegas. And to all of the scrubs out there telling you they’re “cut from a different cloth,” first off, they’re napkins. So the next time you’re feeling down in the dumps and thinking about calling your ex, visit Vegas.com instead. You won’t regret it. And you won’t have to explain it to your parents, either.